My mom is in the hospital again. For more than a year now she's been battling with Lymphoma. After 9 consecutive sessions of chemotherapy and a radiation therapy last month the tumors still persist. Even worse she can barely move, nor eat or even sleep due to the tremendous pain brought about by the side effects of the radiation. They had to confine her to the hospital since monday for the pain and swelling in her arm and shoulder. I really don't know how bad it is since I can't be there beside her in this ordeal. But every time I remember Papa's texts, on how he would silently cry as he witnesses my mom's agony. And how my brother said that days before she was confined she would frequently scream in pain. Now, you must know my mama is very tolerant to pain. Having brought us four to this world just by the aid of a komadrona, physical pain is nothing new to her. I've seen her accidentally cut her finger with a knife and spill boiling oil over her hand. But not once did I ever hear her complain or shed a tear in pain over such things.
For almost a week now I haven't been sleeping well. Images of mama in the hospital bed keep me awake until 4 to 5 o'clock in the morning. I have puffy eyes from lack of sleep and crying. Somehow these past few days everything reminds me of mama and I suddenly turn into a cry baby. When I prepare our meals I remember how mama used to cook for us. When I see the pile of clothes I have to iron I remember how she managed to do weeks worth of clothes in one sitting. Even in trying to entertain myself by watching the news and my fave teleseryes remind me of my mom (esp. with the news of Cory's cancer). Sometimes eating even makes me feel bad and guilty knowing that mama has not eaten a decent meal for a long period of time.
I hate to be melodramatic but I just feel so helpless not being there with her. Not being able to comfort her or just cook something for her. It hurts me for being so far away in a time like this, knowing that what I feel is nothing compared to her pain.
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